4. Reflections on My First Year of Life in Trahila

On our first date three and a half years ago I mentioned I’d like to move to somewhere beautiful and  Gunter told me he’s always seen himself living by the sea, and voila here we are! I’d like to share my reflections on this journey having lived in Trahila for just over a year now.  A friend joked that moving to a new continent with a different culture, language and alphabet isn’t supposed to be this easy. It has been though; just follow the breadcrumbs home easy… and also not.

We found our home in 4 days of looking and have friends who have been looking for years. Another couple we know did buy their perfect plot only to learn a year later that the laws changed and they are no longer allowed to build their home on it because it doesn’t have enough road frontage.  Even if permission to build is granted it takes at least 2 years (plus design time) to build a home. I am so grateful Gunter and I bought an existing house in this wonderful seaside village.

Another couple built a very comfortable custom home in the heart of the village. It’s just a hop over the stone wall in their back yard to the grocery store, some lovely tavernas, a bakery,  pharmacy and even summer dress shops. But after living here for a few years they realize they long for a view. So they bought an abandoned stone shell and are finishing it with their trusted builder. It feels deliciously remote but is just a 15 minute walk to a village with even more amenities. Their challenge has been that this property was owned by many cousins on different continents and the negotiations were so arduous my friend says it almost broke her. We hear this is common in Greece. (Thankfully our home had just one owner and the purchase went smoothly.) Their new home by the sea with stone arches and windows all around paying homage to the gorgeous views will be wonderful! There’s even a bench built into the stone wall and steps that lead to the gloriously endless Mediterranean for whoever is blessed to rest here. A house engulfed in beauty. 

A beauty which must be addressed! Can you hear Madeleine, my spiritual sister of 40 years admonishing me? You’re not going to complain about the beauty again! Alas, with much chagrin, I am.

It is relentless. I almost wish I could give it nap time like a demanding toddler so I could get a few things done. I live in rapture which is meant to be a state not a stasis. I’m living an epiphany and it is so distracting. The mountains brood and then alight with a golden glow. The sea with its myriad personalities, speaks to me, churning, waves crashing against rocks, then so still, the light shimmers on her like diamond sequins. Her seal even called out to us yesterday and told us Irene will be ok. Enough Already! And at night there are so many stars…

When we arrived there was an old beater parked in front of our house in line with our view of the sea. I almost miss it because I had fewer bruises from pinching to be sure this is real.  Living in Trahillia feels like landing in heaven without having to die. Except there has been the requisite death of sorts… As a friend expressed so poignantly; My life here is exponentially better in every respect, and I miss my home.

Now that the all consuming goal of settling in Greece that dominated our last few years wanes; a soul sickness jealously rises up in me. I didn’t think this was a geographic cure and feel embarrassed that I thought I was beyond this. Getting here has been harder than I realized given that it’s gone so well. I feel burnt out from all the changes and write this story to digest them; and in hope it might make another’s leap a little lighter.

People often ask why Trahila and the only answer I have is that we were called home. We vaguely thought about Portugal, Italy, Thailand even. Only when Greece came up  our path came into focus even though I’d never been here and Gunter only briefly. As I shared in some other Letters from Greece we came for 5 weeks to look for a house in January 2023 and found our home in our first week. Since then we’ve been consumed with settling here. 

Sadly, a few months after returning from that trip Gunter’s mother passed away and we returned to Vienna for her funeral. When we got back to Ottawa I wanted to pack up and move to Greece in 3 months but it took almost 2 years to get here. I find being in limbo so hard. 

Gunter and I each had our own home and needed to sell at least one. I had the not so great idea to Airbnb both of them and live in whichever one wasn’t rented which left us feeling displaced and homeless. It wasn’t profitable because there was so much work and cost in setting them up and running them. It did give us the flexibility to pivot to selling my house when Gunter’s didn’t budge,  so it was worth it in the end.

We did major renovations of both of our homes and did most of the work ourselves while Gunter continued working on his business. Disassembling two households was heaps of work. It stung to get rid of so much stuff because we knew we would need to replace most of it when we settled in Greece. Meanwhile we were sorting out our banking, insurance, applying for my Hungarian passport and registering our marriage…

(YES during this time we also Merried under an apple tree!!) 

Gunter was sure it would all fall into place and our documents arrived just a few days before our departure. 

On October 5th 2024 Gunter dropped me at the airport at 8:30 am with our 4 suitcases and 13 cardboard boxes. It seemed a tad early for our mid afternoon flight; I’ve learnt things always work out when I trust him and  arrived just in time for my chance encounter with the psychoanalyst I saw 4 times a week for almost 12 years. It was such a blessing to say goodbye again while respecting his professional boundaries. I miss working with him which isn’t viable living in Greece. There have been so many losses like this. 

We planned to move into our new home when we arrived but there was a 2 week delay which was tough. Gunter and I don’t like traveling and were already struggling with change fatigue. I was in nesting mode, needing to shop and Gunter hates shopping but we came with so little that he rallied. We stayed in airbnb’s and looked at used furniture and met some nice people in different areas.  We found a lovely living and dining room set that was delivered shortly after we moved in, so again, things worked out in our favor.

We knew we needed to renovate when we bought our home so once we moved in I began exploring every possible design option. Gunter would become invested in a design only to have me start over, again, and again… Many designers find doing our own home is the hardest,  so I am in good company, but I was a fiend. During the 3 months we lived here before the reno I painted the main floor 4 times. Cream, gold, green and a lighter cream. Gunter kept saying white would look nice which is what it is now and he is right again. With all the renovations in Canada and now here we developed bad reactions to the paint – which take forever to cure (low VOC my ass) so we felt like shit. We had the sleeping sickness and headaches again for  3 months when we finally moved back in after the major renovation.

Along with moving to a new continent with a new language, alphabet and culture, renovating our 2 homes in Ottawa, selling one home and renting out the other, disposing of most of our belongings, getting married under an apple tree!!!, saying goodbye to family and friends, some of whom we will likely never see again because they are in their 90’s, travelling to Europe 3 times in 2 years… We now had a new home to renovate and set up for our lives. 

We decided to move out for 4 months while the bulk of the work was getting done. Obviously first world privileged problems we are profoundly grateful to have and still hard. We stayed in a charming little air bnb in the village which would be ideal for 3 weeks in the summer when everyone lives outside. We moved in February though and crammed it full of things we didn’t want to get ruined in the renovations and all of our new appliances, plumbing fixtures etc as they arrived.

There was only one small window in the main part of the apartment and no doors except for the bathroom which had a very nice shower. The kitchen had a lovely window but was more of a corridor and very small.  Still we didn’t break anything and didn’t fall down the stairs whose location remained a surprise the whole 4 months we lived there. We didn’t hit our heads on the domed ceiling or the rocks that jutted out at temple level because we lived in a hyper vigilant state, always moving carefully.  We both lost our inspiration to work or even make love but we didn’t fight. It’s the closest I’ve come to depression in 25 years.

The hardest part was how ashamed I felt for not being able to rise above this. I kept thinking of my heroes like Joseph Mandela who was in prison for over a quarter century, or Viktor Frankl in a concentration camp and losing his family. I was so shocked to see how tied to comfort my spiritual well being is and felt much compassion for anyone whose home is less than. It also gave me a deeper appreciation for my work as a Home Maker for over 25 years. I knew that if this was to be my fate and not my limbo I would make it work,  but for just 4 months it didn’t make sense to change it. The great blessing of this abode is that it was so small and easy to clean we let our 2 kittens live inside with us and they probably would not have made it otherwise because they had a rough start in life. So it is remembered fondly as our Kitty Spitti. (Spitti means home in Greek.)

Once I lowered the bar (which always works for me) and moved our tv to the foot of our bed I enjoyed cuddling with Gunter while watching movies at night with the cats zooming around.  I’m still sorry to say I couldn’t change my attitude and I choose to suffer instead. I worried I broke something inside but it passed when we moved home.  I wonder now if it externalized my mourning for all I’d left behind…

We moved back into our lovely home in just 4 months – as promised – we are so grateful to  Harry Drivas, our excellent contractor.

Now the work of settling in began. I continued shopping like a fiend to get dishes and then new dishes because the water is briny and marked the first set, more furniture, tools – between us we had every tool we could wish for in Ottawa but came with just a small tool bag, tiles for bathrooms, kitchen, upstairs floors and stairs, kitchen cabinet doors, handles, finding garbage bags that fit our bins was tricky so I made sure to get a vacuum cleaner that doesn’t need bags, extension cords, light fixtures, light bulbs – that aren’t stark white so I feel like I am living in an airport -so lightbulbs again- Bandaids, cat toys and then some more cat toys and cat beds and kitty spittis …When Gunter raised his eyebrow, I realized maybe it’s time to put a moratorium on kitty litter. I actually ordered socks from Costco in Canada and had a friend mail them here which cost a fortune cause I couldn’t find the ones I liked here and I didn’t like the ones that came either. 

Mundane things like laundry that I took for granted in Ottawa devolved into saga here… Where to find biodegradable laundry soap, how to add the salts to the washing machine so the clothes come out somewhat ok with the hard briny water, wondering if the salt cancels out the biodegradability and wrecks the environment anyway – which it does apparently. I’m just happy I can get the machine going because the instructions are written in Greek. A friend says there’s an app for this, (there always is but I’m fried and only manage essential logistical things once a month or so.) This is actually our second washing machine because the used Miele that weighed 400 pounds broke and flooded our main floor.  We used the excellent but very expensive laundry service in Stoupa till we got the new machine but it bounced like a cha cha dancer mainlining coffee but LOUDER on our uneven stone floors. I asked Leftaris to lay a tile under it that I bought in Kalamata 1.5 hours away but I bought one that was too small. Then I remembered our neighbor Xena (who happens to be Greece’s paddle boarding champion even though she mostly competes with folks 20 years younger!) had a pile of leftover bigger ones outside. I stole one (pledging to replace it at any cost but she said it was fine) because Leftaris finally showed up unannounced (though he probably told me in Greek and I didn’t understand) to install the tile so it would stop dancing. Now it works great even though I am still guessing at the settings which are still in Greek.

Gunter just wants to be settled and asked me to stop rearranging and I promise to as soon as everything is actually arranged – and told him we are not at the  RE stage yet.

I’ve been a bit obsessed with finding the right place for things and fell carrying a cabinet and got slightly concussed.

I feel stressed because there is so much work with its requisite upheaval and he needs stability but to have it I need to stabilize it all. I am not the cobbler without shoes – I need my home to be harmonious and am almost done. When we moved back home in May there were still little things that needed doing inside and the whole outside to be done. Workers were in and out regularly. My nature is to ram through, the street boy in me takes over when I’m stressed and fortunately Gunter is more prudent and said we need a break. So we stopped and enjoyed the summer. In October Leftaris started painting the exterior, just as the rains started so what was intended to be a 10 day project stretched into a month. We are tuckered out. 

It’s lovely though. I picked white after agonizing over off whites for the interior and realizing the light is so warm here that somehow it works. We replaced the ornate railings with the traditional Mani X. It fits so well. I will paint them myself eventually and hope I am not ruining them by leaving the steel exposed to the sea air…another thing I need to let go of. Siga Siga (Greek for chill out) is the mantra here and I am slowly adopting it. I look forward to doing stone mosaics on our garden walls and planting things and the few small jobs we have left. I love working and will enjoy it in its time.

We would have been ok  if I hadn’t added kittens- which proved to be the tipping point. 

When we moved to Trahila, I told Gunter no pets because I can’t do it. Years ago I had 2 German Shepherds, 3 cats, one of them a very demanding Siamese, a rabbit , a parrot and 2  Conner birds, a ground hog convalescing that one of my dogs bit who didn’t make it. I paid my vet’s mortgage in Canada for a decade. Gunter says he didn’t know what I meant – but gets it now.

I began to soften from no pets, because Gunter said he’d never really had a pet, to no pets inside… to only 2 cats inside because Charlie Girl & Marchessa Maria wouldn’t stop coughing even after antibiotics. 

Their cough left and aside from seeing the vet about digestive issues and an injury after a cat fight they were pretty good till we felt we should take Maria because of her laboured breathing. Her Xray showed that some intestine migrated into her chest and an operation is not viable. When I look at photos of her as a kitten when she came to us her chest looked like it had collapsed but I didn’t realize it. So now we have a wonderful homeopathic vet helping her.

Dear Charlie keeps getting injured and has become a fussy eater. Endless opportunity for me to fret or practice doing my part and letting go of the results. 

Our neighbour Nikos had 2 beautiful kittens that disappeared recently and so did 

so many cats in the village. People think they might have been gotten by jackals. When I saw that mummycat was pregnant again I started feeding her extra well. Her 3 kittens are thriving now after two vet visits, one in Kalamata an hour and a half away and so much stress. I even cut my trip to Prague to visit with my dear friend Marnie from Canada short because I was worried about them. I’m glad I did because they were fading again. They’re a little bit fat now and very frisky and affectionate. Kiki the little girl was adopted by our plumber and Adonis and Apostolis would uplift any family who is lucky enough to adopt them. Just let me know if you would like to they are wonderful and were neutered this week by Marti’s Fund who you can donate to here. 

I am proud that I was able to catch mummycat by feeding her in a large kennel and moving the food further in everyday, so now she is spayed too. I was surprised that she was even more affectionate after the ordeal. She has such a sweet relationship with the kitten’s father Seymour, they boop each other when they meet. We also feed Seymore now, he’s nice to his kittens and is very dignified and mostly well behaved but chases Charlie Girl and Maria and scares them awful so we try to keep him in the front of our home. GrannyCat also comes around too and she’s a bit ornery and doesn’t  show up on time for meals. She is the only cat I’ve met who doesn’t meow while I get her food so sometimes she can eat in peace. She also chases the girls though so I shoo her into the front and only give her attention there. I am learning much about cats and welcome suggestions. I wish I had a manual. 

Since being here we have found wonderful homes for 3 kittens, spayed our 2 girls, Marti’s fund spayed another 5 cats and are feeding 5 village cats in addition to our 3 indoor cats. I didn’t particularly like cats before this and now I am in love. They are such enchanting creatures.  

Hiking with Mani Walks about a month ago. Bella as we finally dubbed her –  a little calico kitten followed me home and our life was turned upside down. For 3 weeks she had terrible diarrhea and incontinence that I think I caused by giving her too much antibiotics. This is what happens when I act in fear, poor Bella.

Gunter said he would have brought her home too and felt it was meant to be. It was so hard though. One day I went to Kalamata and he told me that as he got more enraged with all the shit it just rained down harder and he let go. I respect this man so much. Bella is finally doing well so now its only 3 cats inside!  Charlie and Maria have reluctantly begun to accept her. She is so spirited and seems to be a harbinger of something to do with acceptance and change with her beautifully yin and yang face.

I must confess that my life is unmanageable at times and I might start a Cat-dependent Anonymous group. I need to be vigilant to not project my fear of abandonment onto them and get lost in being needed and herding cats. Thankfully my husband gently reminds me it’s my choice to fret. The cats keep me close to my spiritual life because it’s the only way to manage. They also slow us down in a beautiful way and enrich our lives. 

A year in a wave of homesickness welled up in me. I miss my spiritual community, family and friends. Two of them are in their nineties so I probably won’t see them again in this lifetime. There are others who probably won’t visit us here. Gunter and I may go back occasionally but this is our home now. A couple of good friends have stopped talking to me I think because they feel  betrayed by my leaving. We missed my nephew Justin’s wedding and I imagine we will miss many more events.  I miss having everyone over for dinners, especially the Chinese New Year dinner I hosted for over 30 years. I can’t join everyone in Joy’s backyard for picnics anymore… 

The children I love and helped raise are young adults now. It’s a natural time for them to make their own lives and I needed to do the same. I kept telling Gunter we gotta move before they have kids because I won’t be able to leave babies and we did. I missed them in Ottawa too because everyone was so busy that I didn’t see them as often as I would have liked. I love them and always will and they know they are welcome to visit us here.  I know in my heart that being true to myself and my mission as a storyteller is the highest gift I have to share and everything in Trahila supports this.

Irene, my 90 year old next door neighbor, was the first person we met in Trahila. It was love at first sight with both her and this village. I feel they called us home. Irene and I  share a great love story and many of our conversations consist of telling each other how much we love each other, poly poly agape, I love you so much, and cuddling. Also we like to sit and play with the kittens. They like Irene better than me. Yannis says it probably because she lets them be and that’s part of it. It’s also that she knows herself. She told me she isn’t afraid to die and is happy when I tell her she will always be in my heart. She tells me I will have a very good and long life here and people will think I am Greek. She’s funny and asks me if I am breastfeeding the kittens. We both like shoes. She speaks Greek slowly and is infinitely patient with me. When I say signome to apologize she says what for. She sings to Apostoli sometimes and tries to teach me the song about the taverna and buzuki and I can’t even catch the tune. I love her so much, she is my best friend. She gives me marriage advice and tells me that if a woman wears a moustache she will fight with her husband. She celebrates  any creations I share. She gave us beautiful Gardenia and Roses for our garden. It’s like having this love I shared with my grandmother again. For both of us. About a week ago she was taken by ambulance to Kalamata. I was able to visit her there and we had a really nice time together. Now she has been moved to Athens which is about 4 hours away. At her new home they only allow a morning and evening 30 minute visit. I will go next week, her son who is like a brother to me now said she would like that. 

This life is so full of letting go. My precious Sifu who I studied tai chi meditation and art with for 30 years said, tai chi is just about letting go. Like Sifu who also convalesced in a home with a failing body, Irene is rich inside and will have a rich life in any circumstance I believe. I visited Sifu in a home for over a decade and he had peace even though it was hard. It’s what we all dread and this too I feel is an illusion. We are much more than mere flesh as my dear 93 year old friend Marnie says so poignantly as she holds out her hand and we can find peace almost anywhere …except the kitty Spiti it seems. 

Obviously I know nothing except there are some who don’t lose themselves as much and they are free.  This is Irene.  I admire her and have faith in her. I miss her though. Seeing her sitting out on the bench in front of her home when I hang up my laundry… I would call out, peri me and gather up some kittens to go sit with her. If I felt sad I would go sit with her and she comforted me. Once she said prayers with me and told me they would protect me. I miss her. 

So here too there are losses, and there will be more;  it’s not only because I left my home. To have a heart is to mourn. 

Here in Trahila our world rises up to support Gunter and my respective callings. Here I will tell my stories and make art. Gunter writes songs and designs things. 

We have found much friendship and beauty and it makes letting go a little easier. 

I share this in love, 

Moneca, AKA Lulu 

Trahila Messina Greece… or Home as I have come to know it. 

 P.S.  We decided to let the boys in and they are so content, so only 5 cats inside, no more!